I stand on my carpet, palms facing up, praying
Lord, I am your creation, made for you, fulfilled in you
Show me the path so I may walk in it.
And my feet take subconscious steps forward, as I pray and realize:
I belong to God
– But I am not a machine –
I have thoughts, feelings, desires
And if I begin walking towards what my soul wants
With the confidence that I am loved, redeemed, forgiven
Maybe that is how He planned it?
Yet I have always resisted that idea,
Pushed back against my own freedom with startling strength
Because I believed it was too good to be true.
God could not be that good
I didn’t want to get free
Only to find out
It wasn’t true.
And a voice within me says:
You have taken the hurt you felt and the ways you’ve been wounded
And applied it to the ways God sees you
You have let the enemy twist
Like a snake around your brain
He tells you that you are worthless, and that God. Will. Run.
But child, when has God ever ran from you?
When has He ever left you?
God does not
He will not run from you.
You are fearful, and avoidant,
And in your eyes God is to be feared
Yet you long for His love like a deer
For the water.
Child, God will not leave you.
If you’ve chosen Him, He will not make you His enemy
Because Jesus has paid such a high price to make you
No amount of wishing you were someone else
Will make Him love you more
And no amount of hating your weakness
Will make Him take back what He has made.
For you are His precious Creation –
His thought, His idea.
God will not run.
And you may have to stand here, palms facing open
Day after day, Night after Night
For a long time
Before you believe it fully
Before it sinks down into everything that you are
So come back often, pray without stopping
And drink of the well that doesn’t run.
Listen to the truth. Let it water the deep parts of you that have thirsted
For so long. Love is the truth.